The ZZ life. Part One.

If you give a mouse a cookie, it'll probably want a glass of milk...

Unless you're in China, where people don't like milk, then you're shit out of luck.



What am I talking about?

Let me try to explain...

Maarten Troost authored a book titled, "Lost on Planet China." A name, at times, that is all too appropriate. I can't try to make sense for you all the strangeness of my day-to-day life here in China. However, I can write random disjointed tidbits. So that's what this post will be. Enjoy.

To begin, of the roughly 240 students I teach each week, in 6 different classes of Speaking and Listening Freshmen English, I have a few favorites and a few favorite names. It starts with Number One, then of course, there's Pull, Egypt, Cinderella, Pander, Smelily, Youngel, Fancy and Lady Gaga. I gave up trying to pronounce their Chinese names when my attendance roll call ended in giggles every time.

If you want to a see a smell (as the Chinese will pronounce the word smile in the worst habit possible) break across a Chinese student's face, attempt Chinese. They love to laugh at you, as a result, I've given up on learning to speak. I am a shibai (Or in other words, a Mandarin language failure.)

As so, apparently, Mao means cat in pinyin. I, however, didn't realize this until after I wrote Mao on a piece of paper over one student's forehead for her to guess based from her classmates' descriptions. I listened as the class described Mao, the former Communist leader of China, with whispered meows and pretend kitty cat ears. I didn't realize why until two days later. Wrongly I wrote on the board, Mao = Zedong, Meow=Cat.

One of Joe's students turned in his "creative" writing essay, he titled it, A Story about Two Friends, Tom and Jerry. Then he preceded to write, "This story is about a cartoon cat and mouse. It was added to Wikipedia in 1997. Feel free to add anything to the story to make it better..."

"You're alive. Congratulations! You're a hero now." Words spoken after climbing a military-esque wall at the ostrich farm, wearing a matching military jacket. Then of course there was the actual riding of the ostrich...

During "sports day," all the professors, foreign and Chinese, gathered together for an afternoon of friendly competition. I prepared with tennies, assuming sports meant some kind of showing of athletic abilities, after all, there were official timers. Instead, the afternoon brought a three part series of oddity, part one, suspending a drum in the air, jointly held by 8 people attempting to bounce a volleyball multiple times in a row. Part two is what I will call the human-hamster ribbon wheel, basically this feat required us to quickly march 50 meters inside a ribbon circle. Lastly, part three, we balanced iron rods in an ever-rotating circle. I pinched myself as the other professors yelled the Chinese words of encouragement, Jia You, which literally means add oil!

If you walk the road Jingliu Lu that connects old campus to Zhengzhou's expat bar hotspot anytime after 2 a.m. you'll see pig carcasses lining the street and occupying the trunks of vans, alleys and backpacks. Just pigs, every night, it smells as foul as it sounds. I've accidentally stepped in a questionable dark red puddle twice.

You can rent Lady Gaga-esque Halloween costumes for less than $8 USD, I'll post a picture of the atrocity after the 31st.

Foreigners are almost always described as those with very long noses.

Our school decided to cancel the final two weeks of school this term, cutting class during the coldest time of the year, rather than turn on the heat. This, they decided, 12 hours before our newly installed Saturday work day. I'm not trying to complain, but this was a swift change from our day trip to Kaifeng, the ancient capital of old China for the Chrysanthemum festival. Everyone woke up at 6 a.m. for work a little angry, to say the least.

This is an excerpt from a note I received in one of my classes, "Dear Anna: My name is Amy. I love you very much, because you are very beautiful. Do you know? I admire you. When I know you are only two years senior to I, I feel I am tiny.....In a word, we all like your class. Can we have a request? Please speak slowly when you teach our. Please slowly, it is our thinking. Anna, can you help us? In the end, I hope Anna is happy every day!" I found it sweet, where as when I told my sister Ingrid, she responded with the word creepy.

The Chinese love to inflict punishment whenever they deem it slightly appropriate. This usually involves song and/or dance. During the first office hours, one of the crowds convinced Wes to sing jingle bells. "Since we are all here, it would be okay for you to sing for us." Oh, really?

During our first school banquet, the Party Secretary toasted us to baijou, the much dreaded rice vinegar. His wise words,"Drink alcohol because it makes you pleasing and pretty." This he repeated to each teacher in varying words until his face turned a rosy red and I had what they call the baijou burps. An experience, I can tell you that I never want to happen again.

Two months gone, the journey continues. Until I remember to add more, here's a video about my travels in Guangxi. There's some oddness involved, of course.

At the end of the day, most days, I do love China, quirkiness in all.